If Christians are so sure about Heaven, why don't they break out the Harlem shake at funerals?

In our spare time we enjoy getting strangers to judge us by Tweeting 140 characters of our mind at a time.

The people on Twitter I'd most like to meet are happy with not knowing me from right where they are.

Sorry the marriage and white picket fence your boyfriend/girlfriend manipulated you into feels like prison bars.

I spot you across the mall food court. You're eating sbarro alone. We make eye contact. You look away. I smile. I know we're meant to be.

My dick is too prominent.

My friend: Are you twittering right now?

Me: Jesus Christ, it's tweeting. You're 24 years old Renee, how do you not know things like this?

I admit to feeling a bit sheepish when I am fucking a sheep.

I just tried to use this guy's Blackberry to change the channel in the bar I swear I had no idea it wasn't the remote.

We ruined our weekend by allowing family to invite themselves over.

I guess the guy that kidnapped my bike 3 months ago is playing hardball because I still haven't got a ransom note.

I think some women like when a man fucks up while making love. Then they can make them do it over and over again until they get it right.

My workout goal for the summer is to stop staring at myself the whole time.

Telling you that "This is our last drink"...is a cue.
Go to bed.
Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed.

Look, we TOLD you to stop reading our Tweets.
Take some responsibility.

People go to college for an education? That's cute. I went for partying. And drugs. And alcohol. And sex. And fun. And more partying.

Angelina Jolie was able to salvage her nipples and I now officially know more about all this than I need to know.

Just landed in NYC and boy are my arms tired from holding a pillow over the face of the fat lady who was snoring next to me!

I still haven't forgiven all my middle school teachers for lying about how often I'd need to use the Dewey Decimal System or the Schwa.

I like to think that in the days of hanging I would not have attended the hangings, not even for the people-watching.