I just finished untangling my ear phones. I heard a black fella is President? So what happened to Clinton now?

Every time my stomach cramps I get excited, "is this the one? the virus that's gonna get me high school skinny?"

When I open a can of Coke™ at work I pretend it's a beer. Until there's enough room for vodka. Then I pretend I'm sober the rest of the day.

Two things. 1. Anal bleaching should never be done at home with regular bleach. 2. As a surprise for your girlfriend while she's sleeping.

Apparently one way to get kicked out of ninja school is to have whistly sinuses.

Pets, I wanna know how you do the trick where it smells like you shit everywhere in the house but really didn't shit anywhere in the house.

The best part of spreadsheets is throwing my fucking computer through a window.

I wonder if the girl I'm staring at through this window thinks we're on a date too.

"Don't be a dick"


~ me going down on a girl for the first time

My dog just licked my cats butt... I feel like I'm supposed to do something. Rape kit? Youtube? I'm new to this.

If you're gonna toy with my emotions you better fuck with my genitals. A LOT.

Steal my car if you want, but just glance at my phone and I will burn your fucking house down and wipe out your family.

I'm not sure who named it a 'period', it's really an 'episode' from what I've seen.

When I said, "I love you", I was talking to my penis. Cause it was in a vagina. Make sense?

Whenever someone says they need to talk to me in private, I immediately assume they gave me herpes.

In the next season of twitter, I hope we find out what happens.

I once watched a man die, cause fuck, I'm not a doctor.

Tip for haunted house owners: 1) Fill the basement in with cement. 2) Burn it down. 3) Move.

Every time a cop is behind me, I wonder if it's cause they know I have TWO boxes of sudafed at my house?

In heaven, there will be a giant litter box that I poop in. Cats will sift and scoop it out while I watch and judge them. And not care.