Facebook post: "Husband and I went camping! Lots of fun!"

Twitter tweet: "How can I kill my husband and make it look like a bear did it?"

I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.

I consider a retweet the new "reach around."

"I hate cats." - Curiosity

I'm pretty sure Gilbert Gottfried is what would happen if a Caps Lock button ever came to life.

I thought I was doing pretty well at following my dreams until they unfollowed me and blocked me without reason. So I reported them as spam.

My favorite brand of bottled water is any kind of vodka.

I always remember to bring leftovers home to my dog. It not only makes him happy but it reminds him that I'm the greatest hunter ever.

Facebook: "I almost ran over a guy today. It was horrible!"
Twitter: "Saw an idiot and ran him over today. He didn't appreciate the favor."

Best “out of office” automatic email reply: “I’m currently out of the office robbing a bank because my salary here is a joke.”

Facebook: "My kids are sick and throwing up everywhere! Poor things."
Twitter: "My superpower is remembering to take my birth control pill."

Yes, I do have a stalker. They call me every day, will occasionally buy me underwear, and know more about me than I do.

I call her "Mom."

My kid just lost in a spelling bee. They asked him to spell “incendiary.” He spelled it “F-U-C-K-T-H-A-T.”

Sex: The greatest idea anyone has ever come up with in the entire history of the world.

What kind of cruel world do we live where a person’s leg has an easier time falling asleep than they do?

We ran out of coffee, I broke my phone, and my boss told me I can't wear my ninja suit to work anymore. Shit just got serious, folks.

We're all crazy, funny, wise, alcoholic, totally deranged, sexually frustrated, broke social misfits.

You know...good people.

If I like you, I'll make you a sandwich after we have sex.

If I love you, I'll wash my hands first.

We're too poor to play "Hide the Salami" so we play "Spread the Government Cheese."

You've never had fun until you've jerked around and screamed, "It's got me! It's got me!" while checking your blood pressure at Wal-Mart.