People, if you are going to cuss at me, be creative."Fucked up bitch" Is that your best? Really? Because that's a bullet point on my resume.

Phone sex.... I'll bet it wasn't what that telemarketer was expecting.

What if bourbon is the answer to world peace?

I'm not crazy, I'm just not YOUR type of normal.

You had me at "penis".

Thinking of starting a new trend at the office. Set shit on fire Thursday's.

I don't think I could trust someone who didn't like cheese.

I prefer watching Jaws backwards, shark throws up people until they finally open the beach.

So..whatever the guy on the treadmill next to me is listening to, it requires "jazz hands".

Help the environment and overpopulation. Kill the person next to you

You are the only exception to nearly every one of my rules.

Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is inappropriate laughter and the promise of booze and rough sex.

When dealing with my teenage children I often chastise myself for not eating them as babies when I had the chance.

Bucket list:

Light a cigarette, slow walk away from an explosion.

Ever stop to look at your life for a moment and lose your breath by how much has happened?

In every arguement someone has to be wrong. I appreciate you volunteering to be that guy tonight

Twitter....fondling the narcissistic chid in all of us.

Today is brought to you by the morning after bourbon and Vicodin, sleeping naked, dreams of flying purple kittens and the number 7.

I thought this was a "clothing optional" Starbucks. I seem to have been misinformed.

I know I've said this many times before but I need to say it again with the utmost heartfelt sincerity....I fucking hate people.