Happy Birthday, Robert Redford!!! The most beautiful man God ever created. Case closed. Thank you, God.

Look people, the power is out until 3pm. The silence is mocking me. It won't be long before I start going Wilson up in here. Where's my bat.

Sober sex is depressing... not unlike sober twitter.

R.I.P. Peter Falk. You will be remembered and greatly missed. Columbo, The In-Laws, Wings of Desire. Just one more thing...

Not unlike the Marlins, I travel with my own ball dude.

I was murdered once in May, and it is dead that I shall stay. Though my flesh still lingers on, my heart is starless as dawn.

I'm just like a robot... only not as warm.

I still miss Chris Farley.

I'm so glad I ate the chocolate cake.

Mmmm... chocolate cake. Breakfast of champions.

@anytimetrevor lol

@biggoutfeet I wish I had a bar of Godiva chocolate, or a very well built Gerber multi-tool... or a husband. Siiigh.

@vanillaice Adam+Vanilla= Funny+Handsome= Perfect Combo

Wow...now they have fake pregnancy tests to trick men.Really? Really girls? Have you learned nothing from the Golden Girls? Boys on the side

@tvland Dear Fran, you should hire my friends brother, Jimmy Heck, for a spot on your show. U met him recently. Talk about a hunk!

#FF @ruth_a_buzzi because she's cooler than you.

Be aware other teams...Giants fans r making a list of players who violate r team. Enjoy your short moment of glory.We R COMING 4 U.#sfgiants

It's open season on the Giants. A damn free for all and I am SICK of it. The other teams can't win by playing clean baseball.
#sfgiants

I want a cotton candy machine... I just do.

@maksimc @kirstiealley Good luck tonight. You both deserve that trophy. It has been a joy to watch you two. You should do a sitcom together!