I hate being bi-polar. It's fuckin' awesome!

I used to sponsor a child in South America. Then I found out that for the same price, I could buy myself a cup of coffee every day.

My 'check liver' light is on.

Scientists say people who drink daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.

The existence of muppet babies implies a curious fact: muppets fuck.

Hey, bitch with the 6 screaming kids all under 8 at Walmart, if you're wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart, You're welcome!

I don't get people who write f***ing. Do you think that makes you nicer 'cause the reader fills in the uck for you? Go uck yourself.

I almost got raped in jail. My friends take Monopoly very fuckin' seriously.

Did you know that "Venti" translates to "I'm going to Dunkin' Donuts where they don't make me talk like a fuckin' idiot to order a coffee."

Justin Bieber said he believed he was the Kurt Cobain of this generation. I hope he picks up that fuckin' shotgun sometime this week.

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who like anal sex and those who don't like anal sex... yet.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have an impressive penis. It's really that simple.

2012: Get rich or die Mayan!

My cat died. Well, he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.

My WWJD clit ring won't stay in.

I'll have sex on the first date. There's no point in waiting until the 3rd or 4th date to find out whether or not he has a 4 inch dick.

Who drinks at 1:00 in the afternoon? Fuckin' champions do.

I wish my hairdresser would offer me a shot of that purple shit she keeps the combs in.

Don't ask me 'What?' after a text. Its a fuckin' text, go read it again. Idiot.

I'm not masturbating. I'm fuckin' my alter-ego. And rather well, too.