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I used to sponsor a child in South America. Then I found out that for the same price, I could buy myself a cup of coffee every day.
I hate being bi-polar. It's fuckin' awesome!
My 'check liver' light is on.
Scientists say people who drink daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.
The existence of muppet babies implies a curious fact: muppets fuck.
Alcohol can't solve all your problems. You have to do drugs too.
In Mexico, the KKK is known as the What What What.
I almost got raped in jail. My friends take Monopoly very fuckin' seriously.
My cat died. Well, he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.
I don't give a fuck what you think, and here's 67 subtweets to prove it.
I don't get people who write f***ing. Do you think that makes you nicer 'cause the reader fills in the uck for you? Go uck yourself.
Justin Bieber said he believed he was the Kurt Cobain of this generation. I hope he picks up that fuckin' shotgun sometime this week.
Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pussies?'
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have an impressive penis. It's really that simple.
Hey, bitch with the 6 screaming kids all under 8 at Walmart, if you're wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart, You're welcome!
Did you know that "Venti" translates to "I'm going to Dunkin' Donuts where they don't make me talk like a fuckin' idiot to order a coffee."
I'm boycotting McDonald's until they release an Angry Meal.
I like my coffee like I like my coffee. Tasting like coffee. Because it's fucking coffee.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who like anal sex and those who don't like anal sex... yet.
People don't go to Denny's, they fucking end up at Denny's.
Sociopath. My Dragon Slayer is @nedofzed, my Dilectus Immortali. @TheAssholeSocie is our loving daughter. RIP @Ham_Tornado.