I've made an executive decision that Fuck Yeah Friday (FYF) is the new TGIF. Plz notify the press.

if anyone needs me to develop an internet crush on them, i'm really good at that.

Somebody fucking impress me.

Jon Bones Jones just dropped Lyoto like a microphone after a real dope rap song.

@sushi_goat milk is the most mysterious shit ever if you're not sure if it's good. All of the sudden you have no idea how it should smell.

Remembering how fucking awesome it is to feel attractive>>>>>

SO YOU'RE SAYING THERE'S A CHANCE RT @uberfacts: The odds of a single woman having sex on any given night are 10 to 1.

Lol @jenncyu was looking for the word "shabbat" and instead thought of "shamyalan." Jewish dinner w twist ending dessert is tree leaves.

i think a ghost just grabbed my ass. nice.

People saying you banged someone you didn't is maybe the most infuriating thing ever.

Incidentally, I kinda wanna date a Jewish dude. Just cause I haven't yet. But beggars can't be choosers.

IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE, FUCKERS! hey-ohhhhhhhhh!

My sex hair game is fucking outrageous, bro

My talents include the giving and receiving of words.

@sushi_goat gross.

if people aren't whining over bullshit, they're bragging about how they used to whine over bullshit but now they totally don't

I am trapped between pups. http://t.co/fdZvemvU

Pretty much all my Facebook friends are potty training their kids, so thank god im getting constant updates on how that's going.

Eating an orange is like life

All I'm saying is what if Magic Johnson was jk about the aids?