A puddle is not a portal to the 'other side'. I tried.

My cat's gonna be fucking homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on You Tube.

Man, I like the tweeps I follow. Y'all are a little fucked up. It's working for me.

I'm having a hard time parking this parallel universe.

I haven't been asked to leave a supermarket since my girlfriend and I got busted for inhaling whipped cream cans. We moonwalked out. Kinda

It's odd that there's a waiting period for a divorce, but I can buy a gun today at Walmart.

I've never really seen a piece of bacon dance, but I saw one strip once.

Yeah, I'd do a missionary. But I'd prefer a cowboy.

They say people aren't disposable, but I find if you stuff 'em in a trash bag, no one's the wiser and they pick up on Thursdays as usual.

You're so lame, I'll bet you think that limp is about you

Sometimes thinking about sex while I'm at work makes me all squirmy in my seat. Mostly because of the wet spot.

I may never make the leaderboard, but these 10 year olds think my zombie jokes are funny as shit.

"Shit! Friends at the door- Hide the twitter!" is the new "Dude- it's my Dad- hide the bong!"

Been trying to come up with something funny about the closeness of self-deprecation and self-defecation, but I suck and they're all shit.

Just stepped on a LEGO. No wonder the Dutch wear wooden shoes.

I am just not comfortable with flossing more than I fuck.

My mouth tastes terrible and I can't find the cat.

Damn. The only disadvantage to being naked all day is that I missed the ice cream truck just now. I think he sped up when he saw me. Asshole

Not so much counting my blessings today. Not wanting what I have. Not having what I want. The Dalai Lama is gonna be so pissed off.

I hid my kid's Christmas presents in his own closet with his button down shirts and dress shoes. He'll never think to look in there, ever.