If I ever have a kid, I'm going to name him Scott so when he does well in school I can say "Great Scott!" It will never get old. Never.

I'd really like to meet a gay man with a nut allergy.

Unlucky Charms: They're tragically malicious.

Twitter went down right as I joined. Sorry, everything I touch dies or becomes a fail whale.

I've often asked myself, "Why do I need a man when I can rock my own world?"

I had no idea there were so many funny people until Twitter. At the same time I had no idea there were so many unfunny people until Twitter

Battery powered razor handles. Truly to soothe skin while shaving, or vibrators in disguise?

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I have an erection. Oh dammit, I did that wrong.

"Now THAT'S a woman I could really get behind." --Hillary Clinton supporter or guy watching porn.

Marvin Gaye sang "Let's Get It On" live once and the audience got pregnant. #sexiestsong

If they made a Harry Potter porno it should be called "Dirty Harry." Clint Eastwood fans would be so pissed.

Cheesus died for all that is gouda and holey.

Sometimes, for funsies, I like to pull a Victor/Victoria on sex chatrooms...A woman, pretending to be a man, pretending to be a woman.

Aren't grapes the true grapefruit?

Planet of the Apps: The iPhone Movie. "Get your stinkin' Angry Birds off me, you damned dirty app!"

Only half the people who eat sushi do so because they actually like it. The other half do it to seem trendy.

Cos-play is a kind of foreplay where you dress up in truly insane wool sweaters and eat jello, right?

I'd like to thank the whole of Twitter for pointing out that Twitter is down. I'd never have known on my own.

There are so many things in life that would be easier if nobody wore pants.

My dentist told me I was "dentally delayed." I guess that's the PC way of telling me I'm "dentally retarded."