You can't possibly know what burdens other people are carrying, and that is an excellent reason not to be an asshole.

My daughter is crying actual tears because she just found out dogs can't read.

My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.

How To Be Happy: Open your eyes. Look around. Notice things. (This is also How To Be Sad.)

My three year old just looked up at me and clear as day said, "I'm sick of this shit." And all I could do was nod because he is so right.

I would pay so much money to watch a T Rex try to eat corn on the cob.

Sext: You enter my room. I am in the fetal position, sleeping peacefully. You fold the laundry. You put it away. You let yourself out.

I wish I could put my pajamas in a pile and then just roll around on my pajama pile until I was actually wearing my pajamas.

One thing about Twitter is that a lot of the time I can't tell who is actually stupid and who is a goddamn genius.

If a three year old hasn't tried to brush your hair with his penis today just do me a favor and shut the fuck up about your problems.

How many calories does taking everything personally burn?

My three year old just called nipples, "boobie buttons." Can we please make that a thing?

I want to start moving my neighbor's lawn gnomes a couple inches closer to my own yard every day so she thinks they just chose me.

The only thing having THC in your system really proves is that you prolly weren't about to start any fights.

The best listeners are the ones with the biggest secrets.

Parenting Tip: When your child is throwing a hellacious fit in public and people are staring, just say, "Let's go find your mama, honey."

I do not possess a hard candy shell; I am the emotional equivalent of a Peep.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a pile of triangles.

I bought Spiderman tattoo-style bandaids and now my son is basically a cutter.

"But I don't like gravy."
"Shh. It's okay. Gravy is just like meat's tears."