Always be yourself.


Unless you suck.

You're someone's reason to masturbate.

Smile pretty.

Real men don't make their girl jealous, they make every other girl jealous of her.

If there was an award for being lazy, I'd send someone to go pick it up for me.

I am woman, hear me ignore.

There's nothing sexier than a guy that makes you feel safe.

If you masturbate and you know it, wash your hands.

Nephew: mommy said you say bad words too much.

Me: well, that's bullshit and you're mom is a bitch.

Going to take a hot shower.... It's just like a normal shower, except I'm in it.

It's all shits and giggles until somebody giggles so hard they shit.

Follow your heart, but bring your brain for back-up.

I want to be the girl that makes you laugh while you have a boner.

Some people think I'm weird... I prefer 'limited edition'

Kiss me, I'm Irish? Fuck that.

Lick me, I'm Latina.

Please spay and neuter your pets. And any shitty friends or family members.

My superpower is being real, I call it super cause no one does that shit anymore.

Sometimes you just need to fuck it out.

I can't believe you brush your teeth in your kitchen where you eat

Me: I can't believe you brush your teeth in your bathroom where you shit

I laugh when I see tweets that say 'asking for a friend' because lets be honest- you're on Twitter. You don't have any fucking friends.

You know why Santa's always cheery as fuck?

'Cause he knows where all the bad girls live.