If you can't give a blowjob with a glass of wine in one hand...time to take the training wheels off.

Wanting to fuck in the car is different than Having to fuck in the car.

I'll never understand why old people drive so slow. They don't exactly have all the time in the world.

I hope my boyfriends never find out they're best friends.

I miss the old days when sleep didn't require pills and booze.

I had to ask my bf for money. Sucks because this postpones the breakup for another week.

I had a container of ranch dressing explode in my face at dinner. Made me think of you...

Did you know that "lack of attention" is the special ingredient in creating a psychotic whore?

Listen...you really don't want any of this. I'm narcissistic, fickle, and emotionally unavailable. I'm a man but with a vagina.

I check my bank account compulsively. For the same reasons why we open the refrigerator repeatedly, in hopes food will magically appear.

My greatest fear is hitting the gas line and accidentally blowing up the block while I'm digging these graves.

I reported your dick pic as SPAM. Because it resembled a meat substitute.

Going to work is the only place that gives me motivation to job search.

If I were a guy, I would want a blowjob from me.

My new house plant makes me one step closer to marriage material.

Be wary of any man who attempts to control your alcohol consumption.

Sleeve tattoos make me say 'yes' to 10 out 10 questions.

Explaining to your friends why you haven't been on fb for two months is like trying to explain the bite marks on your thighs.

If I can hear you chewing gum from across the room, you have lost the privilege to breathe.

Whoever said it was wrong to fuck your boss on the conference table, was obviously wrong.