i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so i smashed their window and stole their radio

Hey lady with the "food allergy friends" bumper sticker, hope your kids aren't allergic to getting the shit beat out of them!

the bartender asked me "what's your favorite shot?" so I said "H1N1"

If there is one piece of advice I can offer you people, it is NEVER hire a clown named Molesto.

Usher might have a sex tape, which means Justin Beiber might have one also.

Everyone's got their own beliefs. My belief is that life begins when you start minding your own fucking business.

Styrofoam is biodegradable. You people are just fucking impatient.

Catholics have an interesting view of sex. Sex is disgusting, immoral and filthy, and you should save it for one you love.

if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say "what the fuck are you doing"

My grandma avoided the Holocaust with her ability to hide, & by not being Jewish, & by living in Canada all her life -- all about strategy.

the santa tracker says he's over china, he must be picking up the toys

Contrary to popular belief the Teen Choice Awards have nothing to do with abortions.

I usually drop it like it's cold...I'm white, cut me some slack

instead of going on a diet, i usually just put on a sweatshirt

what i do after 12 beers is none of my business

nobody ever asks "how's waldo?"

blacking out is just your brain clearing its browser history

The average teenager watches 6hrs of TV a day. At least with drugs you're out, you're singing, you're dancing, you're meeting people.

It's true, all the good guys are taken. But that doesn't mean they won't cheat on their girlfriend.

I have a friend who's a cannibal. I always give him the cold shoulder.