@aimbywhiskey asking for a well done steak just tells the world how much you hate yourself. "I'll have mine cooked 'self loathing' thanks"

If you stood in a 45 minute line at the mighty taco opening today please take a digital raincheck..... I owe you a punch in the face :)

I am in love with the fact that legit news tweets use the word 'hooker' instead of 'prostitute' because it has four less characters.

Imagine how boring 'Memento' would have been if that dude had Siri

Anyone else think this chick in the news with the flesh eating disease she got from a river might be the first zombie?

I only follow @johnfugelsang so I'm current on what the filthy liberals are up to.

So if you embrace your shitty musical instruments instead of aspiring to get better ones it makes you a "lo-fi" band? Piss off.

I wish I had diabetes. That would be a good excuse to finger my prick. Shit, wait.... prick my finger. That's right

If by law you have to put the word 'product' after the word 'cheese' it's not really fucking cheese

My dad asked me why vegans love meat substitutes. I said it's the same reason lesbians love penis substitutes.

Did Montreal win the NBA thing?

..... @nathanielsquare you guys should tweet more

I go to poetry readings, take my shirt off and shout: 'PLAY FREE VERSE!!!!'

Q: Who is your favorite twin?
A: Kirby Puckett.

There should be a ban on cupcake specialty shops. What a ridiculous waste of capital. Has no one caught on that this is completely dumb?

Who are these 'real men' who don't eat quiche? They are missing out 'cause that shit is bangin!

Everyone is getting over Mumford and Sons like a bad flu. Lets just put it behind us and move forward as a group.

@mjenack that was so yesterday dude

If Luke targeted wamp rats back home in his T-16 but no one was around to see it (Biggs Darklighter aside.) Did it ever really happen?

I've never been so happy that there is another penis inside my wife. It's a boy!!!