Just saw a fat dude wearing a Superman t-shirt. Evil is safe.

I don't like how some people are related to me.

Heard a guy yellin "Accept me, Dad" at a pay phone. I told him I, too, wanted my parents' acceptance. Turns out he was makin a collect call.

Saudi apologizes for beheading Indonesian maid without informing Jakarta. I too forget my manners when I behead someone. Totally normal.

I told my friend to shave off the mustache. She cried.

"Sorry, I have herpes" is not the response anyone is looking for when asking "Who's up for bowling?".

Oh, I'm sorry. When you told me to meet you at 6:30, I thought you meant 6:30. I'm such an asshole.

You can only say "I reckon" if you're on a horse.

When I'm home alone cooking, I like to put on my best British accent and pretend I'm hostin a cooking show. The audience seems to enjoy it.

Toilet paper with pretty colors and patterns is a little too much effort for assholes.

It freaks me out that "gentle" can be used to describe a woman's touch and by a gun instructor on how to pull the trigger on a 9 mm.

I'm watching Egyptian protests on Al Jazeera. Can't wait for the part when the Autobots descend upon Cairo and Optimus Prime urges calm.

Before you tell her she left some of her clothes at your place, make sure they're hers.

If having only one sun isn't like putting all your eggs in one basket, I don't know what is.

I have an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt. It has no arrows.

"If you cut me do I not ooze delicious dough?" - Pillsbury Dough Boy delivers moving speech on tolerance

My brother sends me photos of his 5-month old son. I send him photos of new parts I install on my car. He says he feels sorry for me.

Death threats from peace activists are so freaking cute.

"Siri, tell my wife to have the dinner ready." "Which one?" - Omar learns he needs to be more specific

I get upset when I unfollow someone. I'm still not sure how Twitter works.