@MoistPork

Moiste Porque

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Following	739
Followers	10,228
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@MoistPork’s (Moiste Porque) best tweets
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Q: What's the easiest way to spot a vegan at a party?

A: You don't. Just wait five minutes. They'll tell you.

@MoistPork

My twitter handbook:
1) Tweet how you want
2) Follow who you want
3) Fuck you and your drama
4) Have a nice day

@MoistPork

Mystery bruises are god's little way of saying, "Perhaps you should drink less, whore."

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@MoistPork

I love you! I want you! I need you! I miss you! I'm sorry! <delete>

Hi. <send>

@MoistPork

There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

@MoistPork

Men, love your woman in a way that she'll never believe someone else could ever love her better.

Women, give your man blow jobs.

@MoistPork

BMW Owner's Manual:

1. Drive like a dick.
2. Look like a dick.
3. Act like a dick.
4. Just admit you're a dick already.
5. The end.

@MoistPork

My hips don't lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

@MoistPork

This is twitter, folks. Nobody is winning or losing anything. If you laughed, or made somebody smile or think today, your job here is done.

@MoistPork

If this guy doesn't stop staring at my boobs, well then, I'm just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

@MoistPork

Rock. Paper. Scissors.

Boobs.

I win.

@MoistPork

1 follower or 10,000 followers - it doesn't matter. We're all a bunch of fucking idiots.

@MoistPork

Facebook is our past.
Twitter is our present.
Unemployment is our future.

@MoistPork

Ladies, for my sake and yours, learn how to tweet about something other than your pussy. Please?

@MoistPork

If you love somebody and let them go, you're a fucking idiot.

@MoistPork

I just typed "married" and it came out "martyred". Damn smart phone is becoming self aware.

@MoistPork

Thinking about switching to a giant roll of paper towel for a pillow. That way all my bases are covered: tears, drool, sex, cheetos.

@MoistPork

Drinking homemade eggnog! Minus the egg. And the nog.

What I'm saying is, I'm drinking bourbon straight from the bottle & snorting nutmeg.

@MoistPork

You know those butterflies you get in your stomach at the beginning of a relationship? Eventually they die and convert to belly fat.

@MoistPork

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@MoistPork’s (Moiste Porque) best tweetsMost Favorited Tweets Most Retweeted Tweets

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@MoistPork’s (Moiste Porque) best tweets
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