A baby just smiled at me and now I want... Nope, it's crying now. Nope.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realdonaldtrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.

Going to church doesn't make you a good person. Try not being an asshole instead.

if you don't cry when trying on bathing suits, then fuck you.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to "like" Lysol on Facebook?

If someone from real life asks if you're on Twitter, play dead.

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.

Venus Williams pulled a groin muscle, which is code for "hurt her dick."

My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

I'd like to see a UPS man fall out of his door-less truck when he takes a corner too fast.

You don't have to break my heart to make me cry. Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.

Sometimes I get nervous I haven't done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I'm OK.

My land line just rang. What should I do?

When a girl begins a sentence with "honestly," buckle up for the bitch ride of your life.

A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

The spider I tried to kill got away and now I have to move out of my house.

In hell, you have to find the start to Scotch Tape over and over.

When I was 5, my brother told me to call my grandmother a pussy fart during thanksgiving. I did, my uncle choked & had to be heimliched.

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.