Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to "like" Lysol on Facebook?
A baby just smiled at me and now I want... Nope, it's crying now. Nope.
LOOK AT ME, I'M AN ASSHOLE!
- people backing into parking spots
Are you the person who says, "Let's eat outside?" Congrats! Everybody hates you.
The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.
Going to church doesn't make you a good person. Try not being an asshole instead.
If someone from real life asks if you're on Twitter, play dead.
if you don't cry when trying on bathing suits, then fuck you.
When a girl begins a sentence with "honestly," buckle up for the bitch ride of your life.
I'd like to see a UPS man fall out of his door-less truck when he takes a corner too fast.
Don't ever look at a limo - it's what they want.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow.
Venus Williams pulled a groin muscle, which is code for "hurt her dick."
Never give the finger to a man driving a Hyundai - he has nothing left to lose.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven't done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I'm OK.
You don't have to break my heart to make me cry. Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.
Lemme stop you right there, excited-for-Christmas-co-worker.
A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.