I imagine the moment a one-armed man tries to clap his hands for the first time is even worse than the moment he lost his arm.

If anyone tries to drop by my house, they can't do that. I live in an apartment, you dickhead. Not a house.

Expendables 2 is sold out so I'm just gonna go watch a bunch of old Russian men yell at each other by the tennis court

I'm not on speaker am I

In a way, my face is like my dick's periscope.

How long ago did Sam Waterston swallow Kermit?

You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've destroyed looking for secret passageways.

I've never seen "Dead Poet's Society" but I assume it's about a cemetery for super embarrassing boyfriends.

I'd rather my wife walk in on me fucking a donkey than walk in on me scrubbing the bathtub with no shirt on.

What's the average length of an ingrown hair? Nine feet?

Life comes down to the ones who wait 'till you get inside safely or the ones who just drive away.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

After Kiefer Sutherland orgasms he pauses and then dramatically says, "I just Kiefed."

New Olympic event: Water Yolo. Everyone gets a knife.

yes honey i want to have an intelligent discussion but i thought you said “bird control” instead of birth that’s why i was doing the squawks

I spend most of my kid's swim lesson being one of those encouraging fathers, but so far his teacher won't show me those titties.

My kitten sleeps with her paws like a fancy English lady. A fancy English lady who just shat out some floss.

My Dad made an x-rated country album when I was locked up in a mental home for ruining my mom's wedding to Tom Arnold: http://t.co/70JnGbMq

I will step on an old woman's face to get to my computer to thumbs down a bad song on Pandora.

I like those master bathrooms with two sinks, because it's like "Let's share a bedroom, but this is MY sink, asshole."