My account was hacked (my last tweet sucked it hard).

Wait. Jerry Lewis ISN'T retarded? #whoops #broad #comedy

To the Asian restaurant who hangs a menu on my door daily: A herpe on your house.

For the love of christ, keep your freaky, face-painted kid away from me.

The neighbor left her keys in the door. I did the right thing & left them so maybe someone will murder her.

Do you have a boat? No? Then your shoes confuse me.

True story: I once saw a man blow-drying his hair.

Ok, now let's delve into meme. Meem? May May? Me Me? Sha May May?

Accidentally ordering 'Jack Reacher' while all pain-killered up hurt more than my oral surgery.

Lotta prayers on FB for Oklahoma. How about texting REDCROSS to 90999 and donating? They need more than FB posts.

Things I can add to my humiliation list: Been "shushed" by an oral surgeon.

Don't be fooled, Madonna is 78 years old.

Goddamnit, it's just an accident, dipshits! Just drive. *slows down and peeks like every other asshole*

The subliminal message in all Victoria's Secret commercials is YOU ARE A FAT ASS.

Say "underwears" again. I fucking dare you.

Listen to The Shins for 3 days straight and you'll turn into Zach Braff.

Kanye West thinks he's Tricky. He is most definitely not Tricky.

BEN AFFLECK ON SNL DEFCON 1 IN MY UNDERPANTS

"Hi, maintenance? My toilet is broken."
"That doesn't seem like an emergency"
"I disagree - I only have one toilet."

My Saturday hobby is driving past yard sale and screaming "NOBODY WANTS YOUR GARBAGE" (with the windows up).