Probably gonna die trying to get this ingrown vagina hair out - my waxer is Katia & she works in Princeton. Avenge me.

Don't wait until the last minute to buy a Mother's Day card or you'll be stuck with the religious ones.

I will represent the United States at the Olympic smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out event.

Girls with muscles or butterfly tattoos scare the shit out of me.

Who's the dick responsible for the spelling of "salmon?"

Here's $85. Now TERRORIZE my vagina. - Brazilian waxes.

I have no problem stealing a toddler's chicken nuggets.

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I'm 100% sure there's a murderer in my bathroom.

Never ran a marathon, but I've race-walked several elderly people to the pharmacy counter.

"Let me publicly humiliate you under the guise of friendship!" - People who tag 5th grade photos of you on FB.

Drunk slurrers: Are you just repeating the lyrics to 'Yellow Ledbetter?'

One of the best days of my life was seeing a fat man fall out of a rickshaw.

Many of you don't know this, but I blew the whistle in DMX's 'Party Up (Up in Here).

Hi, my name is Molly and while at the grocery store, I noticed I had my yoga pants on backwards.

You don't know rage 'til you're cut off by a fat man in a Nissan Cube.

When I was 5, my brother told me to call my grandmother a pussy fart during thanksgiving. I did, my uncle choked & had to be heimliched.

Pretty sure I know how to use shampoo, but that doesn't stop me from reading the directions on every new bottle.

Oh, look it's almost bathing suit season *throws self through glass patio door*

My mating call is food being lowered into a deep fryer.

No, officer, I didn't know my taillight was out. Because I'm not driving behind myself.