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@Moltz's (John Moltz) most faved Tweets...
Moltz
Someone tried to steal my bike from the garage while we ate dinner. Fortunately, I leapt into inaction years ago and the tires were flat.
@Moltz
Moltz
You can now have Charlton Heston's gun.
@Moltz
Moltz
I'm so lucky I fell in love with my best friend.

Ha! I'm kidding! I fell in love with a hot chick I like to bone. My best friend's a dude.
@Moltz
Moltz
Came to the office clean-shaven for the first time in years. People were surprised. Mostly by the chaps, but how else would I show it off?
@Moltz
Moltz
Hank woke up at 5am. Apparently he sensed a great disturbance in the Force. As if a million stars suddenly cried out and then were silenced.
@Moltz
Moltz
Restored my iPhone and forgot to back up my Birdhouse. It was as if a million stupid Alderaan jokes suddenly cried out and were silenced.
@Moltz
Moltz
The first rule of Urinal Club is nobody talks.
@Moltz
Moltz
I'm *sorry*, ma'am, but if you don't want me to say "suck" around your child might I suggest you not dress him in a Yankees shirt.
@Moltz
Moltz
To whoever broke into my car last night: thank you for not leaving a scratch. Very courteous of you. AAA+++ WOULD GET STOLEN FROM AGAIN
@Moltz
Moltz
I don't mean to alarm anyone but... what if the moon decides to strike first?
@Moltz
Moltz
"IT WAS HELL," recalled man who went to the bathroom and forgot his iPhone.
@Moltz
Moltz
Personally, I won't be satisfied until a Buddhist monk lights himself on fire for web standards.
@Moltz
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Moltz
Forgot to set the clock ahead last night and just realized I'm 30 years late for church!
@Moltz
113
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Moltz
When the only tool you have is gravy, every problem looks delicious.
@Moltz
109
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Moltz
C'mon. You know the only reason Obama won the Peace Prize is because the Nobel committee doesn't have an award for "Most Improved Nation".
@Moltz
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Moltz
Wait, the "Asian rub" is for the chicken?! Well, then I'd like to change my order.
@Moltz
103
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Moltz
One thing I will say for camping, it makes you appreciate the years of human adaptation it took to ensure that we never have to go camping.
@Moltz
103
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Moltz
20 years ago today @mrsmoltz and I had our first date. A little late, but here's my feedback:

AAA+++ WOULD TAKE ON FIRST DATE AGAIN
@Moltz
100
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Moltz
The weather report says it's supposed to be in the 70s tomorrow. Fuuuck. I don't have any idea where my bell bottoms are.
@Moltz
Moltz
While Twitter was down I finished writing 3 chapters of my book, coded 6 iPhone apps and took up Shaolin kempo. Anyway, back to dick jokes.
@Moltz
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