Who knew that telling people to "reload", "target" and "knock off" politicians might cause them to reload, target and knock off politicians?

The next time your dentist asks why you don't floss, ask him why he's still using Windows XP.

Indeed, conservatives. "Nigger", "faggot", "wetback" and "baby killer" are all reasonable arguments against expanding health insurance.

My iPhone hasn't switched over to Verizon yet. Do I have to restart it?

Someone tried to steal my bike from the garage while we ate dinner. Fortunately, I leapt into inaction years ago and the tires were flat.

I'm so lucky I fell in love with my best friend.

Ha! I'm kidding! I fell in love with a hot chick I like to bone. My best friend's a dude.

You can now have Charlton Heston's gun.

Awesome. Just back from the men's room. Cleared level 5-4 of Plants vs Zombies and unlocked the... Wait... UGH, I FORGOT TO POOP. brb

Thank you, Katy Perry, for making it OK to masturbate to Sesame Street again.

ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED THE RIM OF A PUBLIC TOILET WITH THE TIP OF MY wait, this isn't WebMD...

Came to the office clean-shaven for the first time in years. People were surprised. Mostly by the chaps, but how else would I show it off?

1st day of school. Haven't seen this many MILFs cry since I crashed Twilight book club, drank all the white Zin and threw up on Team Edward.

The first rule of Urinal Club is nobody talks.

Restored my iPhone and forgot to back up my Birdhouse. It was as if a million stupid Alderaan jokes suddenly cried out and were silenced.

Hank woke up at 5am. Apparently he sensed a great disturbance in the Force. As if a million stars suddenly cried out and then were silenced.

To whoever broke into my car last night: thank you for not leaving a scratch. Very courteous of you. AAA+++ WOULD GET STOLEN FROM AGAIN

Personally, I won't be satisfied until a Buddhist monk lights himself on fire for web standards.

The dog woke us up at 5:30 this morning by throwing up parts of a Wii controller cover in our bedroom. In his defense, he is an asshole.

I'm *sorry*, ma'am, but if you don't want me to say "suck" around your child might I suggest you not dress him in a Yankees shirt.

Forgot to set the clock ahead last night and just realized I'm 30 years late for church!