@alecbaldwin If corporations are people, then I now support the death penalty.

When football players date models, I imagine their conversations might make me kill myself.

You say, she's a squirter. I say, you just got pissed on.

Started swallowing again. I feel like a high school girl.

I've got a shitty unicorn tattoo on my ankle. It goes great with my c-section scar.

Come to think of it. "I like turtles" is the answer to everything... but you gotta mean it.

Dear Men,

Our orgasms are better than your's.

Love,
The Ladies

Why are the "depressive" ladies on the celexa commercial always in such lovely houses. I'm depressive and my house looks like shit.

I always loudly announce it when I cum. Because dudes are pretty dumb. God bless 'em.

I wish I had a dollar for every pub called "Molly's" on the planet. Whoever Molly was, that bitch liked to party.

You know what it feels like to fuck a super tight pussy with a massive cock? I don't either, but my husband does! BOOYAH!

Say what you want about hobos. They know how to relax.

My taxi cab confession is that I don't have any money for the fare. Surprise!

"I am SUCH an asshole!" -you

There are mornings when I wake up glad to be alive.


The feeling usually fades in about a half an hour.

Stranger: You shouldn't spank your children.
Me: Did your parents spank you?
Stranger: No.
Me: I think I'm gonna keep spanking them, then.

I've broken a smattering of commandments today.

You know what helps my PMS? Viciously attacking strangers.

If you think you might enjoy getting punched in the butthole, have I got a bank for you.

Marriage is already the gayest thing ever.