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I've reached the age where if I sneeze more than three times, the likelihood increases that I'll be peeing a little.
Rue the day that the spokespeople from Progressive and Nationwide meet and mate. Their offspring would be the second coming of Satan.
I don't say I'm picking my nose, I prefer to say I'm engaging in nasal spelunking.
Playing Scrabble with immigrant parents = shooting fish in a barrel. Last game, my mom tried to use "Asshero" #nothingwrongwith
Watching "Stigmata"-Gabriel Byrne as a Catholic priest. I would totally let him molest me. Or re-enact "The Thorn Birds" with him.
People whining about Starbucks closures makes me want to go on a machete-hacking rampage. You wouldn't be missed. #HurricaneIrene
There should be a way to turn off straight men's tweets during awards shows. #GoldenGlobes
OMG, is that my period coming early? *whew* Thank goodness, it's just a mild case of swampass.
"Comic" ex-bf films all his sets and his sexual escapades. He should start filming tornadoes, since they are also natural disasters.
Is it weird that I am getting a hankering for sushi because I am watching "Finding Nemo"?
Lindsay Lohan makes Melanie Griffith look like she has facial expressions. #SNL
I am wondering if I have enough deposits in my karmic bank account to recklessly tempt fate and stop fighting the raging currents.
New fave character on BE - Al Capone. Fighting for the rights of the bullied, and singing to his son at the end *tears up* #BoardwalkEmpire
I have to wait one more day to wash my hair because of my Brazilian keratin treatment, and I feel gross :( #FirstWorldProblems
I'd like to see a guy on a commercial for laundry detergent. Then again, I could see him sniffing panties instead of towels. #MaybeNot
As much as I try to keep young men at arm's length, they come at me like I've got a pint of beer and a PS3 in my pants.
