You had me at, "I have no gag reflex at all."

Less friends, more benefits.

WOOT is the jean shorts of words.

Anal: Think inside the bun.

I like to put my house plants outside when it rains. It's like a little field trip for them.

Dear lips, beer cans are approximately 1.5 inches shorter than the beer bottles uhave been drinking all day. Thanks, soggy shirt and shorts.

If you listen closely, you can hear all the people ripping the "Hope and Change" bumper stickers off their fucking hybrids and Subarus.

I don't understand the big deal about me washing my hands after I piss. I didn't touch anything I wouldn't put in your Mom's mouth. Again.

Nothing says, "I'm an incredible chef.", like 125 cook books covered in dust.

Know what puts a ton more ILF in a MILF? A nice large set of not destroyed breasts and a really short skirt with no panties.

Handjobs are the mail in rebate of sex.

You call it mowing the lawn. I call it the dog shit two-step.

When a group of people are talking, & you continue trying to shoehorn in your inane story, consider this; nobody gives a fuck what you think

Overheard: I'm not in any damn Facebooks and I don't have that tweaker either.

You say, "I'm still totally friends with all my exes, and I never fuck on the first date." I hear, "I'm a lying sack of shit & I hate sex."

No no, I really do think the $3700 in rims and tires, that you are making payments on, totally make that 12 yr old Cadillac pimpin'. Player.

It's not that I'm opposed to commitment or change specifically, just in general.

No no, I think those giant hole in your ear lobe spacer thingys totally compliment the obese, tattooed, pregnant, smoking look you put off.

What percentage of people that get athlete's foot are actual athletes and not just freaky weirdos with poor hygiene and stinky, dirty feet?

I was so shitfaced last night, at one point I tried to do a bong hit out of my wine decanter.