@MooeyTie's (Mooey Tie) most faved Tweets...
Her: "Oops. I just farted in the checkout line at WalMart."
Me: "That would be, like, the most awesome country song ever!"
Her: "..."
Me: "That would be, like, the most awesome country song ever!"
Her: "..."
Your "Ditch the Bitch! Let's go hunting!" decal on the back of your Dodge Ram screams "Ask me about US foreign policy!"
We had an unexpected Thanksgiving guest this year. I only know because he showed up in our pictures. Apparently his name is My Double Chin.
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I'm ignored so often on Twitter that I may as well be at family dinner. Now someone please pass the goddamn potatoes.
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Have you ever found your wife's pantyhose still attached to her underwear and made them dance a jig while she was in the shower? Me either.
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I'm playing a game. It's called "How Many Hershey's Kisses Can I Shove Into My Mouth At One Time?".
I'm winning.
I'm winning.
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If there's anything I'm ashamed of, it's that my Netflix account gives me a list of suggestions based on my interest in Murder, She Wrote.
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I'm always surprised that we don't hear more about Winnie the Pooh's older and much cooler brother, Winnie the Shit.
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Sunday afternoon at a coffee shop. Writing. Surrounded by Ugg boots, pajama pants, and man scarves. Oh god please send help.
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My afternoon: Let dog out, make pudding, eat tortilla chips w/ onion dip, eat tortilla chips w/ gouda, sob uncontrollably, let dog in.
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I enjoy throwing magnets against metal surfaces, & when they stick I pretend my mutant power is emerging. Later, I sob quietly in my office.
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My wife's relatives from Staten Island are joining us for Thanksgiving which means no candles in the centerpiece because, ya know, big hair.
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Laxative commercials would be more convincing if all of the actors were frowning and shifting uncomfortably.
Shifting! I said shifting!
Shifting! I said shifting!
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What Katy Perry doesn't tell you is what you really get from wakin' up in Vegas is chlamydia. Lots and lots of chlamydia.
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THIS IS ME SCREAMING AT A SPORTING EVENT ON THE TELEVISION! I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE! IT FEELS WEIRD! DO YOU LOVE ME YET, DAD?
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They asked if I wanted salt with my McDonald's breakfast, but I told them that's what my tears are for.
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If I can be nonchalant then it stands to reason that I can also be chalant, right? No? THIS IS A LINGUISTIC TRAVESTY OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE!
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Imagine my surprise upon discovering that buying one McDonald's breakfast sandwich means getting to taste it all day! Lottery, here I come!
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When your boss asks you to perform a task through e-mail, do not respond with "Word to your mom." Ever.
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