Did I ever tell you about my shattered dreams? You'll find them in my disappointment closet.

A woman's place is either in the kitchen making a sandwich or spread-eagle on the bed. Preferably both... at the same time.

SCREW You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You & You ↺ Rinse & Repeat.

"I couldn't imagine living my life without you" I whispered to my vibrator.

I like getting finger-banged during my coffee breaks because being a slut has it's perks.

There's nothing more disturbing than hearing your co-worker pussy-farting in the stall next to you then exit with a smile on their face.

I found your tweet extremely offensive but I'll star that shit anyway.

I'm only 9,713 away from 10,000 followers but you don't hear me bitching about it.

If you've never offended anyone on Twitter, you're doing it wrong.

Saw a guy with an artificial leg, cheered for him not to lose the other one as he scurried across the road. That was my good deed for today.

I'm friends with niggers, beaners, chinks, kikes, wops, crackers, rag-heads, and fudge-packers because I believe in cultural diversity.

I'm really touched by how much you obsess over my anus.

❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Silently crying into my Spaghetti-Os

I can tell you really like me by the way you put your hands down my panties.

Every time Glenn Beck contradicts himself on Fox news, he starts to sob hysterically then rambles on about the benefits of owning gold.

White criminals 4 times more likely to receive presidential pardons but 8 times more likely to lose in a rap battle with black person.

I can't be the only one that finds my bowel movements way more interesting than all this talk about raising the debt ceiling.

I'm pretty much the most awesome bitch I know.

I knitted a sex swing out of my neighbors cat hairs for my Arts & Crafts class. Needless to say, I'm not welcome there any more.

A vibrator is a pacifier for your twat.