Eli Manning's hair style looks like the hot girl in 6th grade wrote "never change" in his year book & he took that serious #BestSummerEver

TLC has announced that “Kate +8” is being canceled and In it’s place, they are picking up a new series called “Casey -1”

Big ups to @swocc! Great show tonight and I will forever appreciate the ferocity and intimidation of the mighty raccoon #FunTimesInCoosBay

Shout out to the @bvuathletics women's hoops team for coming and being a great crowd at the @icehousecc tonight. Good luck this season.

When someone says "Agree to disagree" they mean "you are an idiot and I don't have the strength to explain how wrong you are anymore"

Haha!!! @rsherman_25 says "bye bye fools... Keep running those mouths on your vacation" @seahawks #12s #NerdNation pic.twitter.com/q8uqhHj0

Continental breakfast? Nice try hotel, I'm a professional so it's called "Continental food for the next 3 days" #RoadSurvival #veterancomic

I'd have a better chance at cracking a bank vault safe than I would at figuring out other people's entertainment center remote control setup

So nobody has actually ever done yoga in yoga pants right? They're for wearing at the airport and on weekends so people think you're healthy

Listen: Ep. 2 - @andrewsleighter vs. @jquasto... Podcast Grudge Match  http://kiroradio.com/listen/9952567/  via @kiroradio we solve a lot of world problems

Texas is sticking it in the Beavers right now... Damn, I mean they're spanking them... Oops, I mean violating them sorry #TooSoon

Just sat next to the @csu_athletics Volleyball team on their way to put a beat down on Kansas... I'm a huge Vikings fan now #NCAATourney

This was what my journey to tell jokes at @sacmcla looked like... The show was awesome... The drive was "Blare Witchy" pic.twitter.com/81NznCSa

Come out!!! "@veniceuground: TONITE! @tonybakercomedy @mootepoints @rodellegrazie @rellbattle @bronicus 9p FREE! http://t.co/FIwD9xqk"

How I explain football to a Non-American: Basically, we tell obesity to suck it, dip wings in pizza, wash it down with beer & yell at Tebow

Think I'm changing my profile pic to a super hot chick to get more followers. I'm tired of writing jokes, time to catfish my way to fametown

Undercover butts “@stefseifer: Last night w/ @stuartbrazell @dirtyandthirty in @adriannapapell celebrating @igopink pic.twitter.com/C9X9wWy0lQ”

Gonna hurt some Laker feelings “@sportscast_thn: HE'S BACK! @mootepoints makes his return to the show today, 5-7PM PT on @toadhopnetwork!”

It's been a rough week for a lot of folks I know in #Boston. Here is a poem my 5yo cousin wrote. It's a good one pic.twitter.com/xPPIdK1sap

Thanks for a great show @cordcec! You arctic dwellers be safe and stay awesome #CobbeRadical