What kind of idiot would take a cab from West Philly to Bel Air?

Tampons don't work for diarrhea. Once again, do NOT put a tampon in your butt, it WILL make things worse.

Intervention for hoarders: 1) Give them tickets to a movie. 2) While they’re gone, burn the shithole to the ground.

Having 4 cats in your house doesn't bother me.

It bothers me that they’re dead, stuffed, and dressed as KISS.

Dear lady with the WWJD bumper sticker,

I don't think Jesus would have cut me off on the highway.

I can tell I’m aging. I had to practically throw myself in the back of this guy’s van last night.

Every day is take your child to work day in China.

I think I'm allergic to my new beaded bracelet. I should probably take it out of my butt.

You guys wouldn't jack off to my avi if you knew how small my boobs are or how big my dick is.

I was a bad waitress. I responded to every order with, "We'll see..."

Some girl just dropped her pizza pocket on the floor, then ate it anyway. Gross!

Ok, it was me.

I wish I had a small British boy to read bedtime stories to me each night.

Sir, having a ballsack hanging from your truck with the huge Tapout decal is kind of a hat on a hat

You won't need a milkshake or anything else if you just stand in the yard naked.

I don't like the way my dog looks at me while I'm pooping. This is my lawn, and I'll poop here too if I want.

Just realized I tweet about tweeting a lot.

Now I just tweeted about tweeting about tweeting.
Whoa.

I’ve learned to text ideas to myself instead of drunk-tweeting. I haven’t learned to not get excited 2sec later when I get a new message.

Donuts are just bagels with diabetes.

I never lock the stall in the bathroom because I’m a thrill seeker.

I put on my pants both legs at a time (I'm better than you)