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"What do we want?!"
"When do we want it?!" "IRRELEVANT!"
Taylor Swift's next album should be called "Maybe I'm the Problem."
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.
My grandma asked if "tweeting" was a new drug kids are doing and I said yes because the truth is more embarrassing.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, ok you can put it in my butt.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I'm a terrible gardener.
What if I told you that you could go to the gym without telling everyone on Facebook about it?
If "come over for wine and a movie" wasn't obvious enough, how's "here's my vagina, you should do sex to it"
Apparently it's National Kissing Day in case any of you single people needed a reason to start drinking early today.
I asked Siri why I'm not married and she responded with a picture of my cat. Also, I don't have an iPhone and have been drinking.
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she was seen near Sutter's Mill in 1848 carrying a sluice box & a rock hammer so it's very likely.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
Channing Tatum: I'm your husband, you were in a car accident.
Sometimes I hate people and other times I am sleeping.
My favorite sex position is sure ok.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Just kidding. Fuck you guys.
I'm gonna open a store called "Forever 27" where all we sell is booze, cats & broken dreams.
ME: Knock knock.
FRIEND: Who's there?
FRIEND: To who?
ME: To WHOM.
FRIEND: Go fuck yourself.
Super weird, but my phone keeps autocorrecting "sale on cat food" to "enjoy dying alone."