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Guys, my mom found my twitter account, she wants to have a word with your moms... we're all screwed
I spilled some Red Bull on the kitchen counter and I swear I saw an ant opening a can of peanuts
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Maybe the meaning of life is to realize that there's no actual meaning. You're here, alive, enjoy it, have a drink, relax & have a good life
Twitter: Where no one gives a shit about anything yet everyone has an opinon about everything.
That akward moment when you lose your kid at the mall & you have to sit down & have lunch and debate between calling security or going home
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives
Women 'need' shoes the way men 'need' night vision goggles
Hey grumpy old people, your time on earth is short, lighten up and enjoy the show
Losing the remote is the same as travelling back to 1983
If Jesus had been tied to a toilet when he died, believers would all carry toilets around their necks
Never trust someone with a twitter account
#1 on my bucket list... buy a bucket
Hey guys, I just got my first paycheck from Twitter!! Oh wait, no... it's just another restraining order
I'd tell you the story about how I ended up with 3 cats, but I'm just not in the mood to depress anyone right now
"How many million motherfucking times more is this clown going to refresh his Twitter and Favstar page!?" - Your computer
When a chick asks "Do I look fat?", you have no more than half a second to say "No". Take any longer than that and you're in big trouble
Twitter: where everyone has a body buried in the back yard
My bio is better than yours http://t.co/wvP6KzkSEM
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