Jack Kevorkian dead at 83.

Final stats: 0 points, 0 rebounds, and 130 assists.

Hitting the gym. Lying! Hitting this bong. Kidding!

It's the children. I'm hitting the children.

Yeah, long story short, turns out I don't really know CPR.

Cat threw up, then shit in the litter box. If he steals my girlfriend, it will be the college roommate hat trick.

The only thing you can unfuck is believable.

Pretty sure this dollar store toothpaste is just white paint.

Girlfriend had oral surgery, quits smoking, and is now PMSing. The devil is not in the details. She's right fucking here.

Halloween tip: If you're wearing a Charlie Chaplin costume, don't forget the hat and cane. Otherwise you're Hitler.

Back in my day, kids would just fall down a well or something.

Does this crippling shyness make me look...
Look away!

Alone at work. Sad trombone. Alone at home. Sad trombone. This one man band sucks.

Switching facebook status from "it's complicated" to "lone gunman".

Some people will never listen no matter how hard you kill them.

Having kittens is great. When do my nipples stop hurting?

Dude. That's not a man purse. That's a straight up purse purse.

Checking my portfolio. Trapper Keepers up $1.30. Nice.

Girlfriend is having a movie night with girlfriends. I'm having cocaine night with this hooker.
Kidding! There is no cocaine here.

A man, a plan, a canal, a hostage note, some duct tape. What the fuck is a palindrome?

This monologue needs more inner.

Pro tip: If you paint a painting, avoid writing a poem on the back. This just lets people know you suck in two disciplines.