Dear Dudes who compare real women to women in ads: What's it like having rented your sexuality from ppl trying to sell you Doritos

Depression is like a tapeworm in your brain that eats experiences before you can get the nutrients

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don't know whose hand this is

When a woman's aroused, her genitals engorge w/ blood. Her extremities wither from deprivation + disconnect from her body like starfish legs

Be the porn you want to see in the world

Ever notice how the typeface is bigger in women's magazine's than in men's? It's like, Hello, we're stupid, not blind

Friendship homophobia: when girls boast about their inability to relate to other girls to prove they are a rare credit to their lousy gender

I still wear a training bra. My boobs are dumb, cheerful interns. The company is failing. No one in the office even knows what we make here

Dear Some Dudes: it's not cute to call a girl "feisty." It sounds like you're trying to skin her and she won't hold still.

"Two can play at this game," - me failing to understand single-player game instructions

I throw my keyboard after I type a good tweet. it's like dropping the mic but lonelier, costlier

WHEN THERE WERE 32 HOOFPRINTS IN THE SAND, THAT IS WHEN SANTA CARRIED YOU

Probably Batman killed his own parents

ECONOMIC GROWTH IS A LIE. EVERYONE CAN'T BE FAMOUS. YOU'RE PLENTY SEXY WHEN FAT. AMBITION IS RUINING YOUR LIFE. EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT

If you find yourself very picky about people's appearances you probably lack the courage to acknowledge beauty without a cue from society

My tongue can be in my mouth or I can be dancing but not both

Yo mama's so fat, she's probably feeding her physical self to compensate for the culturally sanctioned starvation of her autonomy

I'd like the exact numbers on how often guys call girls crazy to avoid feeling bad about the way they've behaved

Weird that men bother carrying money when they're already rich in valuable opinions about how I should wear my hair

Women don't shave their legs to look/feel pretty, we do it so the hair doesn't grow into rooted vines that strangle our bodies to the ground