I hate when cashiers make remarks.

Cashier: Ooooh! Oreo's! Someone's hungry.

Me: Why don't you shut your whore mouth Shannon.

I have a lot of work to do today. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves.

You remind me of my big toe..
Because i'm gonna bang you on every piece of furniture i own ;)

I hate when spiders just sit there on the walls and act like they pay rent.

"The car JFK was assassinated in? Let me call my buddy who's an expert on cars JFK was assassinated in."
--Pawn Stars

I can't take this long distance relationship anymore.

Fridge, you're coming to my room.

If you're on a treadmill next to me, the answer is yes, we are racing.

I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figured he'll just have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

I have the sex appeal of a school bus fire.

I love Sam's Club because who doesn't want three hundred PopTarts?

My dog licking the inside of my belly button is the closest I've gotten to sex in a long. Long time.

The difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates :(

Dipping my Frito chips into this extra large container of Nutella in case you're wondering how being poor is going.

Ladies, it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat.

God made the rainbow so my queer brother could catwalk to heaven.

What the hell is that? The fuck is this not doing on the floor?

*knocks over everything on my dresser*

..Yeah, that's better. -my cat

Why do you need birth control pills? DOES HE TOUCH YOU?!

The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

Find it hard to believe I have a wedgie when I'm not even wearing underwear.

I'll sleep with anyone who can tell me what breed my dog is because I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW