Either someone can't drive stick....or a girl is getting fucked in second gear outside.

I like following moms. why? cause they know my pain! now stop asking stupid questions and clean up your mess!

when I get a RT I blink twice then poke my phone in someone's face (whoever is in proximity to me) then say "LOOK! what have u done today?"

I won't have any more kids on the simple fact that I can't carry more than two kids in the zombie invasion.

Me and adele play this game. She comes on the radio and I change the station.

When you go to your favstar and you accidentally star your own tweet then unstar and hope no one noticed.....>.>

No matter how old you are an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword.

Do trains ever shut up?

"I never want to leave. It's warm and nice in here. OH GOD I THREW UP. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." - Penis.

you know you're poor when you're me.

Nothing says you raised your kid right then when he get his head stuck in his training potty

She said "its too cold to smoke." I said "never."

Oh the sweet release, the overwhelming calmness that rushes in after they drop. - me taking off my bra.

My 2 yr. Old son just saw a cartoon. The cat kissed the mouse's feet. He came and kissed my feet. Pretty sure porn is gonna fuck him up.

netflix with dinner....I know the American dream right?

he doesn't star my tweets anymore. maybe he hates me or this is just a unimportant task when he has a RL to tend to.........no he hates me.

I want to meet shaggy and scooby in RL

Looking for a Twitter crush....inquire with DM. Must not tweet more then 5times a day about your nuts/penis :) Kaythanx

my phone keeps spelling Luke instead of like. I don't even know anyone named Luke

I'm a stupid idiot.