BRB.

Pineapple was created before man.

God knew what he was doing, guys.

I cant help but wonder if there are any cum shot porn compilations to the song “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”.

No, YOU’RE going to the Dollar Store wine-buzzed at 10am.

I wish Snopes had a quick, easy to use phone app so I could walk around, proving people wrong all day.

I highly suggest being someone’s priority.

I don’t know why I wasted so much time settling for anything less.

List your boyfriend in your phone as “Lover Face” or something, to avoid sexting your insurance agent, with the same name.

JUST TRUST ME.

Pull your shit together, you guys.

People are going back to Facebook.

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

Jokes, but not like this.

I save my emotional meltdowns for when my boyfriend is at work, so he won’t leave me for someone without a uterus.

YOU’RE WELCOME, PAUL.

They call them “The Golden Years” because old people piss themselves.

You got awful boring when you quit drinking.
Congratulations on your sobriety or whatever.

*blow job hand motion*

*chugs wine*

*burp*

Flex your penis on my leg, when we spoon, so I know it's real.

Hand injuries or "The Narcissist Wrist" is a serious epidemic and can be 100% prevented, you guys. pic.twitter.com/xlmKse2wAI

Oh look at that... Her boobs again.

And again.

*Signs out of Instagram*

*Hurls phone at wall*

Sending me a confirmation email, to remind me that 10 seconds ago unsubscribed from all future emails makes total sense, idiot.

I was going to cook the "Make Your Own Meatballs" kit that I got from Ikea, but the horse ate the instructions!

Imagine a world without stars.

I'd miss Jennifer Lawrence and validation from strangers the most.
Who even cares about constellations.

I left Twitter for 2 months and all I got was my life back.

I wanted a t-shirt. :(

If your mom knew how addicted you are to Twitter drama, she'd take away your computer privileges & make you leave the basement for a day.