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@MrBigFists
Jonathan Sloan
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The size of my fist is directly proportional to the object it's holding.
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If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
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My youngest asked if he was my favorite.
It's like he forgot we even had a dog.
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When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."
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A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
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Oh my gosh. I am so incredibly sorry. I never would have made fun of you had I known you were smart enough to realize it.
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Is this "New Moon" everyone is talking about, supposed to replace the one that NASA blew up?
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I'm playing poker with the kids. Not strip poker. That would be inappropriate. I know better than that. "WOO! FULL HOUSE. DRINK UP BITCHES!"
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Today was the worst day ever. 1st someone mistakes me for a woman, then I was called "Queer" and to top it off, I got a run in my stocking.
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No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
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I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes.
I don't know who crapped on your car.
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I'm writing an email to terminate a friendship over the barrage of FarmVille requests I keep getting. I consider it a "John Deere" letter.
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My wife banned me from doing laundry for washing lights with the darks. Guess who is now loading glasses in the dishwasher open end up?
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"How do I look?" Compared to what? Next to Amy Winehouse, you're smokin' hot. Next to Angelina Jolie, I'm sure you have a nice personality.
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I SWEAR! The powder on my face is actually cocaine. I didn't even see the box of donuts on your desk.
Oh this? It's blood. Not jelly.
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Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
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I discovered the best way to untangle Christmas lights is with scissors. I now have to buy new ones but you can't put a price on my sanity.
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My car broke down between a male strip club and a Honda dealership so now I'm stuck here between a cock and a car place.
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It's never polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?" Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend.
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I feel so empty and used. No. Wait. That's the wine bottle.
I feel so disoriented and confused.
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Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.
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