If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.

My youngest asked if he was my favorite.

It's like he forgot we even had a dog.

When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."

A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

Oh my gosh. I am so incredibly sorry. I never would have made fun of you had I known you were smart enough to realize it.

Is this "New Moon" everyone is talking about, supposed to replace the one that NASA blew up?

I'm playing poker with the kids. Not strip poker. That would be inappropriate. I know better than that. "WOO! FULL HOUSE. DRINK UP BITCHES!"

Today was the worst day ever. 1st someone mistakes me for a woman, then I was called "Queer" and to top it off, I got a run in my stocking.

No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.

I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes.

I don't know who crapped on your car.

I'm writing an email to terminate a friendship over the barrage of FarmVille requests I keep getting. I consider it a "John Deere" letter.

My wife banned me from doing laundry for washing lights with the darks. Guess who is now loading glasses in the dishwasher open end up?

"How do I look?" Compared to what? Next to Amy Winehouse, you're smokin' hot. Next to Angelina Jolie, I'm sure you have a nice personality.

I SWEAR! The powder on my face is actually cocaine. I didn't even see the box of donuts on your desk.

Oh this? It's blood. Not jelly.

Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.

I discovered the best way to untangle Christmas lights is with scissors. I now have to buy new ones but you can't put a price on my sanity.

My car broke down between a male strip club and a Honda dealership so now I'm stuck here between a cock and a car place.

It's never polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?" Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend.

I feel so empty and used. No. Wait. That's the wine bottle.

I feel so disoriented and confused.

Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.