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@MrBigFists
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@MrBigFists' (Jonathan) recently faved Tweets...
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I'm trying to initiate a neighborhood watch program but the damn neighbors keep closing their blinds.
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MrBigFists
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Since an erection is typically an indicator that you want to have sex with someone, why don't they call it a "bonar"?
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MrBigFists
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What's up Mr. T-ijuana? I'm loving the mohawk, my Mexican friend.
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MrBigFists
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My congestion has made me a mouth breather. I feel like I should be petting rabbits or regretting having asked one for lumps in my coffee.
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MrBigFists
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Someday I'll look back on all of this, under oath, in front of a jury of my peers.
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MrBigFists
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I bet the ghosts in Pac Man taste like stale rice cakes.
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Naps are for old people. I was taking a horizontal life pause.
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I'm so in tune with my wife that I can sense when she's upset, when her hand hurts and when she gets tired of slapping me upside the head.
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MrBigFists
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I know most people think their kids are adorable. But seriously. How can you look at that face and not think someone peed in your gene pool?
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MrBigFists
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If my house were on fire and I could only take one thing? I'd probably take a new house with waterfront property.
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My boys said that they don't like girls so I gave them a home sexuality test and, just as I thought, not 1 of them can draw a straight line.
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Our department head asked if any designers had 3 inch experience. I kicked my size 11 feet up on the table prior to raising my hand.
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I'm not saying that my wife is a control freak.
Well... Not without her permission.
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MrBigFists
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I posted my joke about LIFE cereal on Facebook. Of my 5 friends named Mike, not one of them said they "liked this".
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MrBigFists
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Surprisingly, LIFE cereal tastes nothing like lemons.
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I think in a parallel universe I would still go off on tangents.
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@ruthakers
Good thing there was still toilet paper on the roll.
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MrBigFists
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I don't know about ending a sentence with a preposition,
@dysolution
. But I know something about starting a sentence with a proposition.
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My wife says that I over analyze everything but I think that these graphs and charts clearly indicate otherwise.
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My wife removed the "G" key from our keyboard at home so I could appreciate the frustration associated with not hitting the spot.
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