I've never come across a park bench with time to actually use it. We're on different schedules I guess.

Yeah I'm washing my feet in the restroom sink. How about you pee in a urinal while wearing flip-flops and let me know how that works for you

Ever the survivalist you are. RT @heyitslori Sorry. Thought it was rabies and I was keeping my distance.

None of you brought it to my attention that I had toothpaste on my lip. I had to hear it from the barista. What kind of friends are you?

There's no "P" in "RUG" though my dog's accident would suggest otherwise :(

With the acquisition of Tumblr all of your Yahoo answers will now be accompanied with an animated GIF.

How many crows are in a murder? I'm working on a new recipe for my road kill cookbook.

"You want to talk? Can you excuse me for a second?" Pulls ACME dot out of pocket. Places it on the ground. Escapes into another dimension.

This morning I was thrown out of my Tai Chi class for making the nanananananana noises from the Six Million Dollar Man. :(

The neighbors were upset to find me rolling naked in their honeysuckle but I'm sorry, that's a fragrance too delightful to keep to yourself.

There is no greater compliment to a joke teller than having someone say "I get it" well after the point of getting it has passed.

To actually provide bullet proof shouldn't the vest have holes and blood stains?

Dan Brown is the Thomas Kinkade of the literary world.

A friend complained that he lost sleep because his kid wet the bed. I told him it could be worse. He could have been the one who wet the bed

My refrigerator crushes ice but I don't have any syrup for snow cones so I'm using the next best thing... ketchup.

Even better if you can find a stick person decal beating a stick spotted owl with a... um... a stick.

You really want to piss off an environmentalist? Purchase an 8 seater SUV and only put 1 stick person decal in the back window.

Somewhat belated but an overly enthusiastic happy birthday wish to the lovely @crispycracka. Hope you had a wonderfully fantastic day, doll.

I taught my son how to quietly open & close doors so he wouldn't wake his mom. Good information for when he wants to sneak out of the house.

This joke was tested on animals. They didn't get it.