Each time a tweet or text fails to get sent I take it as a sign as I shouldn't say that and send it anyway.

If a woman spends one hour in the bathroom I imagine it being spent 15 minutes on makeup and 45 minutes taking pictures of herself.

When you listen to music and you get goosebumps you're doing it right.

You guys have favorited my tweets so much today that if you keep it up I think you want to sleep with me.

Got paid.

Feels good.

This must be what prostitutes feel like.

I would tweet more about my sex life if I could only remember where I hid it.

If you don't want me to look at your boobs. Plan your wardrobe accordingly.

Without music what's the point.

Unfollowed a few now just because it feels wrong stalking them when they don't stalk back.

When I say we I mean you.

Auto correct is a prude little bitch.

If you can't remember, it hasn't happened.

Good night to all the people that live inside my phone.

Can't tell if it's a man or a woman.

Ooh wait yes I can. She has a mustache.

When the warning on tv says "Warning for advanced sex acts. Viewer discretion is advised" You know it's going to be a good show.

Twitter is like learning a new language. The first thing you learn is the swear words.

Walking is just a series of controlled falls. Keep walking.

My neighbor is strangling cats again. Either that or he is singing. Can't tell the difference.

This is Sweden. http://t.co/ZPXoQMC

Fuck my head.