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Went fishing today. Now my fingers smell like they did in high school.
I'm going on a road trip. Yeah, the wife needs tampons.
If I said u had beautiful body would u jump in front of a train. Cause I'm a liar and I hate u and you're ugly.
Note to self: install power outlet next to toilet to keep phone going while pooping.
I have to be honest with all of you. I'm not really as handsome as my avi depicts.
I don’t have emotional scars. They’re still open and bleeding.
Drinking beer and rocking the fuck outta these jorts.
Ladies. Sometimes a man just needs to be held
With firm grip with rapid back and forth motions
There's something incredibly sexy about a pregnant woman. Especially if the kid's not mine.
Enlarge my avi at your own risk.
Does my tweeting once or twice a day mean I’m twitter elite? Or just an unimaginative fucktard.
My erectile dysfunction isn’t a problem. I don’t have sex anymore.
Have a friend that's puerto rican. Called her a Mexican once.
The stitches come out next week.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m gonna be a bitter old man. So I’m starting now. Suck my ass.
First John travolta then Anderson Cooper. Who next? Elton John. What the hell?
Damn my balls are itching like hell. Does that mean someone’s thinking about me?
I’m gonna loose a shitload of followers with this. But I’m a cop.
Truth: I’m drunk.
Shocked? I didn’t think so.
Lonely? You betchya!
Ok can someone please tell me how to get to sesame street?
Hard rockin, whiskey drinking mother fucker. Just ask your mom. I am crude, rude and very offensive. Follow at your own risk.