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"Consider" changing my password? Why don't you "consider" sitting on a curling iron.
I play the poor confused old man and the cashier is all "No, hun, it's okay, you keep that." You're gonna LOVE your seventies, kids.
Elevator, confessional, dentist chair, taxicab, massage table - a few of the places I've farted.
@eliserose5 Elderly friend thought LOL meant lots of love. She would post things on FB like "Sorry for your loss. LOL."
@mrgeorgewallace If you call 6th Ave "Avenue of the Americas" you're telling everyone you're a tourist, as I found out years ago. #cabbies
@youareitalian Whenever we took my Nonna to a Chinese restaurant, she'd order the cheeseburger. "No, I'm-a just have a cheebuger."
Set your clock ahead Sunday afternoon this year, so you lose an hour of being awake instead of an hour of sleep. Ready for my Nobel Prize.
This is what entropy looks like. Didn't know it was so cute, did you? pic.twitter.com/7oMVOcDCtC
Our kids and their SOs are driving to Grand Rapids for something called a "beerfest." Something to do with beer I assume.
OK fine. “@eliserose5: Why the hell don't old people follow me. I clearly stated in my bio, 75+.”
The trouble with the Geico wee wee wee pig without @fawndarella is that it's the Geico wee wee wee pig without @fawndarella .
We were the homeland of any honest person who wanted to come live here, especially the ones starving for food or freedom. What happened?
That little rattling noise cats make when they see a bird out the window, that's me at the pastry case.
Whenever I say something I think my wife might quote later, I say it in that goofy "man-voice" women use so she'll be accurate.
If your site jumps, bounces, goes white, reloads and resizes for more than 15 seconds, @huffingtonpost , you've lost me. Also, fuck you.
Regarding your cryptic Facebook post, most of us don't care, a few of us are hoping it means you've been diagnosed with something horrible.
I just woke up.
