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If you can make it on Twitter, you can make it anywhere. And by anywhere I mean Twitter only.
The Bible says love your neighbor as yourself, but the guy next door got mad when I tried to give him a handjob. He must not be a Christian.
My wife has pnewmon...pnewmeun...pnumoneu...my wife is really sick.
My wife & I role play during sex. She pretends to enjoy sex w me. I pretend she's not a nagging bitch.
My wife & I had sex this morning in the bathroom by myself.
When we got married the wife & I decided to never use the word divorce. Instead I use words like "leave your ass" & "murder"
I'm not trying to say I'd blow another guy for the right amount of money, but for the right amount of money I'd blow another guy.
When talking to Christians I like to make quotation marks in the air w my hands everytime I say "Jesus"
Our cat had kittens last week. So far I've lucked out though. None of them look like me.
OK, I get it that a giant rabbit was crucified for hiding the Jews' eggs. But where does this Jesus guy fit in?
Apparently there have been very few good ideas since sliced bread was created.
I finally broke the 200 follower mark! From now on you will refer to me as sir.
I'm never more gay than when I have sex with men.
When I go into a public restroom & a man is pissing into a urinal, I stand right behind him & ask "Is this where the line starts?"
Twitter is destroying my marriage. Actually my marriage is the exact same as before Twitter. I just get to tweet about all the shit now.
If you follow me & your bio says you're a Christian or how much you love your family/kids, my goal w my tweets is to get you to unfollow me.
4yo just said "I'm pretending my lollipop is drugs." Guess who's not looking forward to his daughter's teen years.
Wife tells me to wash my hands after using the bathroom bc thats what her mom taught her. My mom taught me not to piss on my hands.
Wife hasn't #FF'd me in weeks. Pretty sure she has a boyfriend.
Some of the all time best comedy comes from classic duos...Abbott & Costello...Lucy & Ricky...prescription meds & alcohol.
I tweet mostly about my life, my wife and my kids. Some of its true, some of its made up, but all of its real. Plus, I have chickens.