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my grandma says men aren’t as courteous as they used to be. i told her that’s because they don’t want to fuck her anymore.
Quick survey. Who here thinks I’m obsessed with getting validation on Twitter? Star this for “yes” and RT it for “no”.
every time a person gets acupuncture a voodoo doll somewhere feels pain
As my grandma wisely said to me just before she died, "you're standing on my oxygen tube."
Yay - I finally ate sushi off a naked woman! Boo - my mom's complaining about wasabi-pussy.
Deep down both my cat and I know that it is not entirely unintentional when she brushes against me with her anus.
Portman is incredible in Black Swan - I can’t imagine how much strength, agility and stamina it took to maintain a pout for a 6-month shoot.
Only way to get my son to sleep is to heat milk, put honey in, melt in caramel, shoot him with a tranquilizer dart and drink victory-milk.
my wife keeps complaining that breastfeeding is painful and annoying. i can only imagine what it'll be like when we have our first baby.
It's not you it's me - I'm allergic to mediocrity.
i wanna get an ipad so i gave my roommate who has Tourettes a swear jar for his birthday
What's huge, loose, swallows poles and rhymes with "my ex-girlfriend Katie Stewart of 6 Johnson Lane, Pocatello, Idaho"?
My heart stopped a moment ago when I thought I lost 2 followers. For a second there I panicked that I was gonna be a loser who has no life.
My grandfather died doing what he loved most – teaching his grandson euthanasia.
Dear female colleagues - can you please spray less perfume when you go to the women's restroom. It screws up the image on my hidden camera.
Today I briefly wore a full-body costume in the shape of a penis and just for a moment understood what it must be like to be Ryan Seacrest.
Don't be fooled Tweeters - you're as fucked up as you think you are. It's just that more people than you thought are as fucked up as you.
anybody who uses the word "kudos" deserves none
Had a nightmare that I was lying in a puddle of tears and vomit on a linoleum floor. Imagine my relief when I awoke and the floor was wood.
squint. blink. repeat. (Richard Gere School of Drama)