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saw a guy at planet fitness wearing toe-shoes, but there was a sign that said "judgement free zone" so guess I can't work out there anymore.
i've never understood why dudes pay for penis enlargement pills. mine grows every time i put it in a mouth, and it's usually free.
If this bitch sings one more kesha song at karaoke I'm gonna have to fuck her
You can bet your ass I'll be pulling up on the bike smoking a cigarette to meet my sister's prom date today, I don't care how cold it is.
Bro don't even try to talk to me about the original Nintendo if you were born in the 90s. You wasn't with me blowin into cartridges
I lose respect for guys who tweet cake shit only to raise their stock with girls. Quit bullshittin, you're just like the rest of us savages.
figured out how to trim my dickbeard today using only a @gerber_gear multi-tool and now I'm not all that impressed with MacGyver.
it took everything in me to not say "smoke what?" when the HR rep at work asked if anyone needed to smoke. growing up is hard.
you're crazy for puttin your # on here tho RT @ryangosling: Any chicks feel like letting go of some nudes? Here, let me help... 765-438-7661
The reply from @conepalace after I requested they start a CornDog mailing list pic.twitter.com/9f4UMTUQ
my response when girls ask what a blowjob feels like? feels like you're getting your dick sucked.
Not sure if I ever told you, but I got my job by answering "chicks in lingerie" when asked what my biggest weakness is during the interview
#fact A local high school issued me a no contact order with the police after tryin to call in a to go order of school pizza every Wednesday.
And who decided zombies were going to try to eat us? Maybe they'll just want to chill, go on walks n shit.
I sold the memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers & they're going to make a game out of it. Vice President of Whiskey. MMA fan.
