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Odd how politicians say "Let me be clear on this" and then say something along the lines of "Fiscal umbrella orange coffee pot kite badger."
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Show him a picture of a fish on your phone & he'll scroll to other pictures without your permission.
Dominos should understand starting emails with Dear Pizza Lover is not a warm greeting, more a hurtful attack. Oh wait this is from my wife.
Seeing Linkedin Park tonight. They're like Linkin Park except they don't know who the other band members are or why they're in the band.
The term 'plagued with self-doubt' comes from the Great Self-Doubt Plague of 1347. An estimated 2 million people lost their poise.
I don't get why ageing needs to be combated. It's an inevitability not an illness. You can't prevent the night by rubbing cream on the moon.
Looks like people are already putting their unwanted gifts on eBay. pic.twitter.com/hTitI9Bp
Contrary to popular belief, men do not think about sex twenty phwoar hours a day, seven cocks a tits.
A lot of people come up to me and say 'Has success changed you?' and I say, 'I'm sorry, you're not allowed in here, this is the VIP area.'
Too many people are famous for no valid reason. Let's hope the gradual demise of this depressing cultural abnormality begins tonight.
Arnie's very, very basic DVD commentary of Total Recall. This is wonderful and tedious. http://t.co/Ta6p2ArM / via @mynameiscal
I only found out recently that Benjamin Button's illness is fictional. That was a waste of a sponsored walk I can tell you.
What concerns me most about children viewing online porn is that it's giving them unrealistic expectations of pizza delivery times.
The Unrehearsed Voiceover Artist - The Funeral of Baroness Thatcher. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9x6S6G9a1Kw …
My old man’s a dustman / He wears a postman’s hat / He gets confused and takes other people's hats we're very worried about him / Oi.
Yesterday I made a joke about Blockbuster Video. Today has news of their demise. Currently working on jokes about Michael Gove and wasps.
People who want to make a cohesive point on Twitter should probably write a blog because Twitter is simply not the place for... 1 / 76
An impressively consistent disappointment.
