I always thought "He did it for the Lolz" would make a great epitaph, but now that I see it in person, it's kind of tacky. Sorry grandpa.

Yesterday's headline: Apple has more cash than the United States. Tomorrow's headline: You have more cash than the United States.

My coworker, on Parenting: "As long as your son isn't the smelly one and you keep your daughter off the pole, you've won."

Life should function more like soccer. That way I could have all the time I've spent looking at excel docs added on to the end.

On a bus. The guy busting rhymes in a whisper didn't bother me until I started feeling his breath on the nape of my neck. No joke, just fear

This shampoo says "No Tears," but me, a beer, and a dirty wedding dress in the shower disagree.

Got my H1N1 vaccine and now I have autism. Why oh why didn't I listen to Jenny McCarthy?

Could someone write a short story/poem/indie rock song about what to do with your lower arm when spooning? I'll wait.

Of COURSE I wasn't watching Sense & Sensibility. I was just trying to find that channel with the sports and cars and the who am I kidding.

My Twitter feed reads like "Kids Say the Darndest Things" lately. But with more dick jokes. So more "Cosby At Home."

I now have a subscription to Poetry and The New Yorker. If you need me, I'll be discussing NPR buffers and being insufferable.

Fun supermarket game: Run up and down the aisles screaming "WHERE ARE ALL THE EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS?" Trust me, good times.

If the mouth is a Freudian metaphor for the vagina, this lady's excellently groomed mustache must get all the boys

Me "One of my favorites is following me on Twitter!" Gay roommate "Twitter is for bottoms." We're the odd couple, but I'm the effeminate one

I'm saving up 2 months salary so I can propose to the entire cast of Glee and these long distance calls to call me gay don't help grandma.

Turns out that gardeners don't like it when you call their hobby "soiling themself."

Girl, you're the Pro-Life of the party - want to pat my robertson? #TCOTpickuplines

iPad, Claudius #blackfridaylit

Folks, the Obama Care Death Panel stopped by to help me pick my death date, but looks like I have church potluck that day. Switch with me?

My manscaping business opens today. Everyone already complaining about the ride-on mower. IT'S ABOUT EFFICIENCY PEOPLE.