I love how my 5 yr old calls question marks "mysteries". I'll have to tell him that's what he'll call women when he starts dating.

My 5 yr old left his blanket at day care. He's having a hard time functioning. Seems the adult equivalent is leaving a smart phone at work.

My 6 year old would make a good interrogator. After he asks me 5000 questions in 10 minutes, I'm ready to confess to crimes I didn't commit.

If I win the lottery I'm going to hire writers to tweet for me. Oh wait, I'll be able to buy myself a life & won't need Twitter. Nevermind.

How many bachelors does it take to change a light bulb? None. We just leave the TV on.

I'm pretty sure my 5 yr old would do well on Twitter, if he could read and write. He's refused to wear pants the last three hours.

One of the coolest thing about having kids is before they can talk, you can still understand each other. It's like Chewie and Han.

It's all about perspective folks. So remember, if the view is dark, it may not be night. Your head may be up your ass.

Starting a bucket list:

1.) Get a life.
2.) Get a girlfriend.
3.) Have sex with said girlfriend.

That's all I got so far.

Nothing makes me feel older than having to go to Urban Dictionary before starring a tweet.

People saying they are doing things like a boss. Hell, the only thing I want to do like a boss is cash their paycheck.

I'm still not over the fact that I paid to see "Waterworld" in the theater.

It's rather ironic that those failing geometry in school end up cutting pizza for a living.

Minutes, just minutes, until I get to go home and rest! OK, go and pick up my kids, and feed them, and bathe them, and then rest. Maybe.

After last night, I can cross "sexting" off my bucket list. I hope to ditch the "-ting" soon, too.

I just told a female that I liked her brains, but in a non-zombie type of way. I'm a hopeless romantic, aren't I?

Think it's time for me to turn in my man-card. I was fighting back tears during the end of Toy Story 3. I'm pathetic. And I need more beer.

Twitter suggested I follow Bounty. As in the "quicker-picker-upper" paper towel. I know my life's a mess, but come on now!

Breaking things down for my son. Unicorns have a horn. Pegasus has wings. Zebras have stripes. And Clydesdales drink shitty beer.

Sat on the couch & got goosed by some of my son's HotWheels. It's the only action I've had in so long think I will "accidently" do it again.