Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon

If you yell "crime is good" near a cop, the cop is required to yell "crime is bad" or "I disagree" whether or not he's undercover #law

And good Jovi to you, sir

"It's Adam and Eve, not Kevin and Eve" - Adam, grasping a polaroid of Eve, sobbing

Yeah I got ADHD - A Damn Hard Dick

#ThingsRomneyShouldSaytotheNAACP WHY CAN'T WE SAY IT TOO IT'S JUST A WORD

#SignsYouWereDrunk you actually engaged people in conversation instead of sitting in the corner loathing them and yourself

Big ups to the guy who literally ran to get into Starbucks before me, great job man you made it

Tweeting on 1% battery is like having the band play while the ship sinks

A TV weatherman who keeps accidentally calling the anchorwoman mom

What is the most Christian pokemon

I like all kinds of Donkey Kong except country

name your dog Good Boy to double the effect of positive reinforcement and make negative reinforcement downright confusing

"FUCKING HIPSTERS!" I yell in the children's section at the library. I am shooshed. "fucking hipsters..." I whisper sheepishly

Two bros talking to separate girls at the club but all they can talk about is the other bro

#MyReplyToILoveYou god shut up mom

#WhyILoveTheAmericanFlag if u wrap yourself in it and do crimes the cops have to say the Pledge of Allegiance before they can chase u #law

gay away the pray

Falconry but with crabs instead

GUYS! I don't eat poop