Admit it, if you're reading this from the toilet, you finished pooping a long time ago.

People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

Yesterday I watched Jersey Shore just to remind myself why I don't ever watch Jersey Shore.

So McDonald's are giving away free Egg McMuffins next week. There are four McD's in PE. Four McMuffins it is.

@fucksofie @shortt08 @steez_zee @burnsdey Hell yeah! pic.twitter.com/14Z6Zu5KsS

I know a Stacy. And her mom doesn't have it going on.

I hate when a friend gets me addicted to a series, then can no longer supply me with episodes.

Those big ass handbags that women carry are probably for holding grudges.

Naps: Because suicide is too permanent.

"Hey Mo, skip the warm-up tricks and get that switch tre!" - Jack Black #PrettySweet

I'm so excited! I just saw someone slip on a banana peel, and it was just like in the movies!

You call it multiple choice, I call it the guessing game.

Whoever came up with the spelling for 'island' obviously had difficulty making friends.

Girls use pick up lines too. Their favorite is "Get away from me before I call the cops".

I want a girl who would have a hard time choosing between me and a pizza.

My OCD doesn't like the acronym for Call Of Duty.

The best life advice comes from dead people.

Whenever I start thinking my life sucks, I think of all my friends who are getting married and having kids and I realize I'm doing alright.

Seems that way. . . pic.twitter.com/SsqYEIYsPL

You call it Sunday, I call it Pre-Monday.