I'd give my right testicle to get back the left one, which I foolishly said I'd give for something stupid.

What's the best way to sanitize sex toys you got at a yard sale? Asking for a friend.

My tweets are family friendly, as long as your family is dysfunctional as fuck.

Some of you ladies tweet so much that it's a wonder any sandwiches get made at all.

Nice try, people who try things.

We should all make a pact: if any of us are single twenty *years from now, we should get together & have a massive orgy. (*minutes)

If laughter is the best medicine, photos of my cock are the cure for cancer.

I really expected the Happiest Place on Earth to have more boobs and less screaming kids.

You've no idea how hard it is to find a woman willing to strap on an 8" black dildo, slap your ass & call you Mary. Hypothetically speaking.

First lick it, then stick it. - Advice that works for both envelopes and vaginas

I love my kids. One of my best decisions was fucking their mom.

Show me on this bacon where he touched you.

Take that. You like that? You like how that feels? You want more of that right there? How about like that? - me, starring folks in my TL

I put the cock in cocktails. Related: I'm no longer legally allowed to be a professional bartender.

That awkward moment when you masturbate in front of an open window, but nobody sees you.

I've started speaking in a British accent so people think I'm not white trash. Now get your arse in the kitchen & make me tea & crumpets.

Wore my amazing Three Wolf T-shirt today. Haven't gotten a blowjob yet, but the night is young.

If you start with "I have to get something off my chest", I always say to myself, "Please say bra, please say bra, please say bra..."

My tweets are public domain. You can't steal what's freely given away.

When an Australian woman has an orgasm, do her eyes roll back in her head in the opposite direction?