When you request a bag for your ONE item, the level to which I judge you is colossal.

Somedays, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Except the hamster is dead and the wheel is still spinning.

You can take the ho out of the housewife, but then you'd just have some bitch who can make sandwiches.

"I'd call you a cunt, but you lack both depth and warmth."

When paper bagging customers' liquor, I like to neatly fold or roll the tops down...as if it's a sack lunch. And for some, it probably is.

I'm sorry, you guys. Farmville now has unicorns.

Porn sites for smart phones are awesome, but I look ridiculous masturbating while holding up this little screen. And then tweeting about it.

An 'open relationship' is when 2 really slutty people love each other very much & they want to seem less slutty. Now where's my Nobel Prize?

(585): Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

One man's junk* is another man's treasure.


*penis

I just heard the "Whip My Hair" song for the first time. It's fun, except I got a mouthful of black greasy dreads at the gay bar just now.

Susan Boyle, I really enjoyed your performance as "The Pigeon Woman" in Home Alone 2.

How does an entire bottle of vodka disappear?

Oh, wait. THAT'S what happened to Tuesday!

:-/

God, make this boner go away. I'm in a house full of gays. I'm not gonna make it out alive if I get up off this couch.

Holy shit, where'd half my right eyebrow go?

This little bitch on Facebook is all "RIP Whitney, she was my motivation to sing" & I wanna be like, 'STFU, bitch, you can't sing."

My 1st bf, the one who "turned straight" & got engaged to his fag hag, updated FB to say his favorite color is rainbow.

She's in trouble.

Sometimes, I throw my sandwich in the air, sayin, "Ayyyoo! I need some mayyyyooo!"

Omg. I just saw the trending topics. Who is Chilean Miner? How did he die?

The only reasonable explanation I can think of for Lady Gaga singing country is that she was bored this way.